It was a day like any other, nothing out of the ordinary. The sun rose the family went through the usual daily morning routine. Kids raced off to school and husband raced off to work. And me well it was all the same for me too. Breakfast, shower, dress for the day and into my usual routine.
The evening would see my usual women’s group meet at my home.In my usual way I lead the group and while one of the ladies was sharing I turned my head and what seemed like 30 seconds later my brain followed crashing violently. My vision was blurred and my eyes must have looked out of line as one of the ladies said that I didn’t look well.
And there it was the start of my journey into hell. By the morning I couldn’t lift my head or even try to get out of bed everything inside my head was scrambled. Intense vertigo set in that would stay with me for 5 years, yep 5 bloody long years! The feeling of being shaken violently from front to back accompanied the vertigo, there was no time my body or brain were still, peace and stillness had left my body!
How naïve I was back then as now I know it didn’t all start that day, it started slowly quietly many years before. Being so disconnected with my body that I didn’t pay attention to all the warning signs and I paid a very hefty price for that ignorance. Holding onto so many hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness, abandonment, neglect ,resentment and anger wow so many it is no wonder my body was so defenceless when the Lyme bacteria entered my body, I didn’t stand a chance, I see that very clearly now.
Yes look in the years before this set in I had been to a psychologist, a body healer , did qi gong exercises, meditated. I did all the things that you are told will help and they did to a certain point. But I wasn’t yet doing what I needed to do to return to health to return to me, well I should say to find me as I don’t think in retrospect that I ever really knew myself.
And so I descended into hell, that dark place where fear and doubt take over your body and mind, where there seems no way out. A lonely place where all you see is all your shortcomings, failures, weaknesses and you witness how out of control your life has become. Hope is a distant feeling that seems to impossible to even entertain due to the paralysing fear that has set in.
As I look back on this path I have traversed I am filled with tears of sadness remembering the pain of being disconnected and of triumph for I have learned so many things about myself, the universe and of my body had I not walked this path they may still evade me today and that is a life I don’t want to imagine. The richness I feel today is something I wish that everyone feels and embodies for this is to be connected to the divine, to be full of love for self, for others and mostly for the gift of this life we have.
In my journey to health and love I found a handful of people who now I call my dear friends who supported me through those hard dark years.
One beautiful soul who supported me lovingly and was totally non- judgemental was my cranio sacral therapist who I will call Angel, that’s not her real name. Angel was a guiding light for me in those dark days, she lovingly held space for me to access those dark hidden places in my body and heart so that I could let go of them finally and embrace the lessons and love from them. Her loving hands were the only hands I trusted to touch my painful body. As I chose an unconventional path to healing at times Angel was the only person who supported my decision and always encouraged me to listen to my heart, something learned during these painful years. Yes my husband and family at times couldn’t understand the path I chose this would often cause friction between us which in turn irritated my body and ignited the pain. It was a lonely place to be, not supported by your life partner being told your decisions are totally selfish. The path to healing is a personal journey that no one can do for us, support and love from one soul can be lifesaving at this time. That was what Angel was for me, a life saver a steady firm hand to hold and pull me up when times were difficult. She may never really understand how much of an important role she played in my life and I thank god for placing her as a support on my journey, I can never thank her enough. During the darkest days any type of tension amplified the pain I felt in my body, I had to learn to take in peaceful and good thoughts in doing this I realised how many negative damaging thoughts consumed my mind. You know I heard from a very wise man that lived in the 1950s Bruno Groening that with each negative thought we take in many others come, they never seem to enter our minds alone they seem to travel in packs. How important it is to take in as many good thoughts as we can and in doing so our health and happiness increases. Sounds simple doesn’t’ it? Yes, well let me tell you that to implement it into your life is harder, it takes constant effort every second you need to be aware of what you are thinking. For me it was difficult at first, I had to watch my mind at every moment as soon as I let my guard down woosh dark thoughts came back, you know the ones I mean, you’re not good enough, you’re not special, on and on they went, it’s exhausting thinking about them, goodness me how hard it is to have them in your body!
It can turn around and your body can be in peace and balance, reflecting a calm and peaceful loving mind. This is what I learnt through my healing of Lyme Disease. I can honestly say that today I am grateful for the journey I have had to get to where I am today, a more peaceful, kind and loving person of myself and of others, life is good……